Worry Wart

I worry about EVERYTHING.

It's compulsive and habitual, an addiction -- terrifying and stressful and POINTLESS -- and it's something I haven't conquered yet.

Yesterday as I was talking to my mom on the phone, I mentioned something that had been nagging at me all day. For the life of me, I can't remember now what it was -- I think it had something to do with classes. The only reason I brought it up was for the relief I knew I'd get from talking about it. I didn't expect her to fix it for me; just to listen and offer an encouraging word.

Instead, she said, "Suzie. You worry all the time. Even when you were a little kid. Before your dad died."

"Wait," I said, "What in the world could a two-year-old possibly worry about?"

"Oh, I don't know, you worried where Purry [my ever-present, stuffed kitty companion] was if you couldn't find him; you worried if we went somewhere in the car; you worried where I was if I was in the other room..."

I burst out laughing. I felt ridiculous.

But I haven't gotten any better at calming down and taking things in stride. People from high school remember me by how through-the-roof my stress level was every day. People from Union know me as the girl that was always racing from one building to the next, always in a hurry, always nervous about everything.

I feel bad for poor Dylan, who has to hear all of it, day after day. I've started calming down some, at least in front of him, so that it's not so annoying for him, but most of the time my heart doesn't feel at peace about anything.

Yesterday, he reminded me that ninety percent of my worries have no basis in reality.

"I have gone my whole life -- my WHOLE LIFE -- feeling like there's a cloud over my head. My mind is always nagging me about something," I said in the car.

He waved his hand over the top of his head, as if he was brushing away a cloud.

"That's what I'm going to start doing now!" he exclaimed. "Every time you worry needlessly, I'm going to do this!" And he showed me again.

I'm tired of the daily struggle to stay in the now, to not stress out, and to not make a mountain out of a molehill. My mind is quicker than I let on, and more analytical than I'll ever show, and I use it most against myself, to my own detriment. It's tiring and draining and I hate it. I don't know how to start changing twenty years worth of a shitty habit. I wish, my goodness do I wish, that I was naturally relaxed, secure, and confident. But I'm not. That doesn't come easily to me. I have to work at it with everything I have. Just like everything else that I really want. And I get tired and weary. Frustration slaps me in the face every single day. I just want a break sometimes.

But the world never stops for anyone or anything.