It's okay to like myself

I've always been shy of cameras and I never like how pictures of myself look. I also detest my physical appearance to a rather excessive level, based on what I see in the mirror, and I perceive myself as a goofy-looking, odd-shaped....dork, really. Just walking around tends to make me nervous because I imagine people thinking, "Wow, why does she even leave the house?" I have no accurate idea of what I actually look like in real life, doing normal things; the last video I remember seeing that was taken of me, up close, was at my fifth birthday party. I've kind of changed a little since then.

Last night Dylan wanted to take a video of Cat because she was acting psycho and doing stupid things. I don't even remember what she was doing. After I recorded him playing with her and tickling her tummy, he took his phone from me and aimed the camera at my face. I immediately clammed up, but I talked for a few minutes about the day, answered a couple of Dylan's random questions, and played with the Cat on camera before Dylan gave his phone back for me to hold.

When I watched the video later, I was completely surprised. Dylan said to me, "See? Don't you see how gorgeous you are?!" I still don't, but I did see one thing -- I am not as weird looking and awkward as I feel every day. By no means am I saying that I finally realize I'm pretty. I just don't hate myself to such a violent degree anymore.

All of this sounds selfish (which it probably is) and conceited (I mean, who spends this much energy and time analyzing and worrying about their appearance?!) but this is a major stepping stone in my life towards becoming a more confident, content person. It feels amazing to ease that torture, to release some of the strain that I had been piling on myself day after day. Already I feel lighter and I'm more inclined to be patient with myself, and I take more kindly to Dylan's compliments, which I have a habit of shooting down almost before they leave his lips. Not that love is based on appearances, but I am more accepting of the fact that I can be okay with myself -- before, my perception of myself always got in the way and overshadowed anything anyone ever told me -- and that I don't have to badger myself into a grave of despair. It's not acceptable for me to treat myself like that.

I am, and have always been, my fiercest enemy. Bet you didn't know I had so many personal issues, did you? :)