The Bugs in Our Apartment

   The other day, I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep, so I went into the living room and turned on the TV.
   Apparently I fell asleep, because I woke up to a series of strange sounds coming from the bedroom.
   PSSSSST *flick* PSSSSSSSST *flick*
   What on earth?
   After several minutes of this, I rolled off the couch and went to investigate. Dylan was standing in front of the bedroom window, with his bottle of cologne and a lighter, igniting the windowsill.
   "There's a crapload of ants coming in the window. I am lighting them on fire."
   Seriously.
   That's not all. Last night, I was curled up in a ball, almost asleep, when I felt something on my face. I thought it was the ceiling fan blowing a wisp of my hair into my eyes, and I was going to just ignore it, but after a while I found it unbearably obnoxious. I pulled my arm out from under the covers, but when I brushed the "hair" away, I felt a couple of spiny legs attached to a little bitty body....
   I hurled myself out of bed and did a little "get-away-from-me-you-creepy-arachnid" dance. I knew it HAD to be a spider.
   Dylan sat up. "Suz. You okay?"
   "THERE WAS A BUG. ON MY FACE," I whined, prancing around like a little child.
   Dylan threw on the light and stripped the bed, but the bug was no where to be found. "It's okay," he said. "It's gone now. You scared it."
   I was not convinced. "What if it comes back?!"
   "It's not coming back..."
   I went back to my fetal position. Dylan sprawled across his side of the bed, engrossed in a game on his phone.
   Almost asleep.... but then I felt something tickling my shoulder.
   "DYLAN, IT IS ON MY BACK!!!"
   Using his phone as a flashlight, he flicked it away, quickly informing me that it was "a very big cricket."
   Resume whining. Finally I forgot about it and fell asleep.
   This morning, after my alarm went off, I stumbled into the bathroom, and WHAT DO I FIND ON THE FLOOR, but Mr. Cricket. On steroids.
   I promptly bounced out of the bathroom, wringing my hands and shrieking a little. Dylan mumbled, "Stomp on it." Um, no, I am not about to step on it with bare feet. So I pulled a shoe out of my closet and chucked it at the floor.
   A noise came from the other room. "Suz. It's just a cricket."
   "But I am scared of them!"
   "He's scared of...no, actually, he's not. He likes you."
   Screw that.
   Mr. Super Cricket is now deceased.